Sunday, November 7, 2010

Unbelievable!

"Sometimes, you just have to bow to the absurd." - Jean-Luc Piccard (Star Trek fictional character).

I don’t even know where to begin this bizarre tale.

About a year or so ago, we started hearing tales of a neighbor gone batty that lives a few doors down from my grandpa. Apparently he had his dogs kill a few of the neighborhood dogs. Also, he liked to stare at his chubby neighbor as she swam in her pool, and spray his water hose into her yard.

Then he started following women in the neighborhood to the store, the gym, their work. Wherever. He even tried to run one off the road. In short, 5 out of the 8 neighbors that live on my grandpa’s street have restraining orders against this guy.

Somehow this guy, who doesn’t appear to have a job and dresses like a bum, was able to hire the best defense lawyer in town.

Well, after just a little research, it was easy to figure out how this guy could afford the attorney…

He is the brother of a well known star!

A star that has had his own difficulties with the law over the years!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Dream Interpretation

Some dreams are rather easy to interpret.

Try your hand at this one...

I dreamt that my athletic club decided to kill members who either weren't coming or weren't meeting their fitness goals. They led them into a field and executed them by firing squad. Why? Because these members were making the club look bad.

It doesn't take much to figure out that the dream is telling me to get my ass back to the gym!

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Black Hole

Yes, I'm talking about the internet.

Sometimes I wonder if it has really made life any easier. Why? Settle in for a spell and learn about my magical jouney down the yellow toner road.

First, I had to sign onto my credit card's website. After locating the link (which was moved. again.) I had to sign onto the rewards site. I then had to locate my items among the thousands of retailers on said rewards site. Finally, I selected a random cheap retailer, was transferred to their site, found my products, set up an account (good thing I have a book to keep all my accounts and passwords organized! I've heard that there are online services that can do that for you, but what if I forgot that password?) 45 minutes into my task I had finally ordered 4 boxes of toner, 1 in each color. 45 minutes of my life, gone.

Damn!

Now my shoulders are stiff, my right foot is asleep, I have to pee and I've suffered through 3 really bad dog farts as he sleeps (which is also why my right foot is asleep, he is on it).

Hopefully it will be another year before I run out of toner, but the next time it happens I'm going to bite the bullet, get in the car and venture off to Walmart, Office Max or some other chain store so I can be rewarded with blank stares from high school floor workers who end up telling me that they're sold out of my toner and suggesting I order from their website.