Top 10 signs the horror movie you just rented is going to be stupid (in no particular order):
1. It has a washed up actor/actress in it. (Christian Slater should be a red flag!)
2. It has an overly fancy cover, sometimes with metallic accents.
3. It came out of Hollywood in the past 5 years.
4. You’ve never heard of it.
5. It has a pentagram on the cover.
6. The title is in a digital font.
7. There are no review quotes or “star ratings” on the cover.
8. The blood is bright, bright red, and there is a buttload of it.
9. There is a car chase, slow motion fist fight or machine gun firing frenzy in the first 5 minutes (or all three!), with accompanying techno music.
10. You rented it from the library because it was free.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The Gift
I never thought it would end this way. My life, that is. And yet, there seemed to be a good chance that it might happen. There we were, crouched over, hugging our knees, as the plane that was to take us to Disney World on our first anniversary made an emergency landing in Houston.
My life flashed before my eyes, the same way it had only five years previous when I had been held up at gunpoint at the Mail Boxes store I worked at in college. I remember that feeling vividly. I felt one inch tall as the man, almost the same age as me, held the gun to my forehead and demanded to know where the Western Union money was. I was sure he was going to hit me, if not shoot me, when I told him there was no money there. In an effort to reason with him I asked him what good reason I had to lie to him, it wasn’t even my money! It must have worked, because I escaped unharmed. Yet, he did rob something from me that day; my sense of security. But, in its place, he unknowingly left a gift. The gift of seeing my life flash before my eyes. I had always heard of it happening to people, yet there I was experiencing it firsthand for myself. And what did I see? I saw that there was much left for me to do. I saw that there were friends and family that I needed to spend more time with. I saw that there were places I needed to go, and more I needed to experience. I had an overwhelming feeling of panic, that I wasn’t ready for my life to end that day.
I thought of that day as the plane circled around to make the emergency landing. We had only been in the air about 5 minutes before we knew something had to be wrong. My ears started popping like crazy, and the few babies that were on the plane started screaming while everyone looked at each other with wide eyes. The captain came over the speaker and told us there was a problem with the landing gear. Apparently, they couldn’t tell if the landing gear had retracted as it should have, or if it was stuck. As a result of this, the pressurization of the cabin air wasn’t working correctly and there was nothing else we could do except turn around and make an emergency landing and hope that the gear would hold. We expected the oxygen masks to drop at any moment, but they never did.
With the runway in sight, lined with fire trucks and ambulances, we assumed the crash position. I prayed that our landing gear was down, and would hold. In those few moments, my life flashed before my eyes once again. But, it was different this time. I wasn’t ready to die, but I thought “If this is how I die, I’m ok with it.” It was a drastically different feeling than the one I had before. I was surprised by the calming peace that came over me in those moments.
Well, I didn’t die that day, none of us did. But, I walked away with another gift. The gift of awareness. I no longer bumble through life blindly trusting that I will always have another day ahead of me to do the things that I want to do. I try to honor the gift I was given by living each moment, acutely aware of how precious it is.
My life flashed before my eyes, the same way it had only five years previous when I had been held up at gunpoint at the Mail Boxes store I worked at in college. I remember that feeling vividly. I felt one inch tall as the man, almost the same age as me, held the gun to my forehead and demanded to know where the Western Union money was. I was sure he was going to hit me, if not shoot me, when I told him there was no money there. In an effort to reason with him I asked him what good reason I had to lie to him, it wasn’t even my money! It must have worked, because I escaped unharmed. Yet, he did rob something from me that day; my sense of security. But, in its place, he unknowingly left a gift. The gift of seeing my life flash before my eyes. I had always heard of it happening to people, yet there I was experiencing it firsthand for myself. And what did I see? I saw that there was much left for me to do. I saw that there were friends and family that I needed to spend more time with. I saw that there were places I needed to go, and more I needed to experience. I had an overwhelming feeling of panic, that I wasn’t ready for my life to end that day.
I thought of that day as the plane circled around to make the emergency landing. We had only been in the air about 5 minutes before we knew something had to be wrong. My ears started popping like crazy, and the few babies that were on the plane started screaming while everyone looked at each other with wide eyes. The captain came over the speaker and told us there was a problem with the landing gear. Apparently, they couldn’t tell if the landing gear had retracted as it should have, or if it was stuck. As a result of this, the pressurization of the cabin air wasn’t working correctly and there was nothing else we could do except turn around and make an emergency landing and hope that the gear would hold. We expected the oxygen masks to drop at any moment, but they never did.
With the runway in sight, lined with fire trucks and ambulances, we assumed the crash position. I prayed that our landing gear was down, and would hold. In those few moments, my life flashed before my eyes once again. But, it was different this time. I wasn’t ready to die, but I thought “If this is how I die, I’m ok with it.” It was a drastically different feeling than the one I had before. I was surprised by the calming peace that came over me in those moments.
Well, I didn’t die that day, none of us did. But, I walked away with another gift. The gift of awareness. I no longer bumble through life blindly trusting that I will always have another day ahead of me to do the things that I want to do. I try to honor the gift I was given by living each moment, acutely aware of how precious it is.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Unbelievable!
"Sometimes, you just have to bow to the absurd." - Jean-Luc Piccard (Star Trek fictional character).
I don’t even know where to begin this bizarre tale.
About a year or so ago, we started hearing tales of a neighbor gone batty that lives a few doors down from my grandpa. Apparently he had his dogs kill a few of the neighborhood dogs. Also, he liked to stare at his chubby neighbor as she swam in her pool, and spray his water hose into her yard.
Then he started following women in the neighborhood to the store, the gym, their work. Wherever. He even tried to run one off the road. In short, 5 out of the 8 neighbors that live on my grandpa’s street have restraining orders against this guy.
Somehow this guy, who doesn’t appear to have a job and dresses like a bum, was able to hire the best defense lawyer in town.
Well, after just a little research, it was easy to figure out how this guy could afford the attorney…
He is the brother of a well known star!
A star that has had his own difficulties with the law over the years!
I don’t even know where to begin this bizarre tale.
About a year or so ago, we started hearing tales of a neighbor gone batty that lives a few doors down from my grandpa. Apparently he had his dogs kill a few of the neighborhood dogs. Also, he liked to stare at his chubby neighbor as she swam in her pool, and spray his water hose into her yard.
Then he started following women in the neighborhood to the store, the gym, their work. Wherever. He even tried to run one off the road. In short, 5 out of the 8 neighbors that live on my grandpa’s street have restraining orders against this guy.
Somehow this guy, who doesn’t appear to have a job and dresses like a bum, was able to hire the best defense lawyer in town.
Well, after just a little research, it was easy to figure out how this guy could afford the attorney…
He is the brother of a well known star!
A star that has had his own difficulties with the law over the years!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Dream Interpretation
Some dreams are rather easy to interpret.
Try your hand at this one...
I dreamt that my athletic club decided to kill members who either weren't coming or weren't meeting their fitness goals. They led them into a field and executed them by firing squad. Why? Because these members were making the club look bad.
It doesn't take much to figure out that the dream is telling me to get my ass back to the gym!
Try your hand at this one...
I dreamt that my athletic club decided to kill members who either weren't coming or weren't meeting their fitness goals. They led them into a field and executed them by firing squad. Why? Because these members were making the club look bad.
It doesn't take much to figure out that the dream is telling me to get my ass back to the gym!
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Black Hole
Yes, I'm talking about the internet.
Sometimes I wonder if it has really made life any easier. Why? Settle in for a spell and learn about my magical jouney down the yellow toner road.
First, I had to sign onto my credit card's website. After locating the link (which was moved. again.) I had to sign onto the rewards site. I then had to locate my items among the thousands of retailers on said rewards site. Finally, I selected a random cheap retailer, was transferred to their site, found my products, set up an account (good thing I have a book to keep all my accounts and passwords organized! I've heard that there are online services that can do that for you, but what if I forgot that password?) 45 minutes into my task I had finally ordered 4 boxes of toner, 1 in each color. 45 minutes of my life, gone.
Damn!
Now my shoulders are stiff, my right foot is asleep, I have to pee and I've suffered through 3 really bad dog farts as he sleeps (which is also why my right foot is asleep, he is on it).
Hopefully it will be another year before I run out of toner, but the next time it happens I'm going to bite the bullet, get in the car and venture off to Walmart, Office Max or some other chain store so I can be rewarded with blank stares from high school floor workers who end up telling me that they're sold out of my toner and suggesting I order from their website.
Sometimes I wonder if it has really made life any easier. Why? Settle in for a spell and learn about my magical jouney down the yellow toner road.
First, I had to sign onto my credit card's website. After locating the link (which was moved. again.) I had to sign onto the rewards site. I then had to locate my items among the thousands of retailers on said rewards site. Finally, I selected a random cheap retailer, was transferred to their site, found my products, set up an account (good thing I have a book to keep all my accounts and passwords organized! I've heard that there are online services that can do that for you, but what if I forgot that password?) 45 minutes into my task I had finally ordered 4 boxes of toner, 1 in each color. 45 minutes of my life, gone.
Damn!
Now my shoulders are stiff, my right foot is asleep, I have to pee and I've suffered through 3 really bad dog farts as he sleeps (which is also why my right foot is asleep, he is on it).
Hopefully it will be another year before I run out of toner, but the next time it happens I'm going to bite the bullet, get in the car and venture off to Walmart, Office Max or some other chain store so I can be rewarded with blank stares from high school floor workers who end up telling me that they're sold out of my toner and suggesting I order from their website.
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